Letters For Sadie

Black!

Black. What people refer to as darkness, but we referred to as the end
of the day and just a brief moment before a beautiful new day started.
Black. What is known in the world as the absorption of all colors.
Black. What is now in my memory as your black silent ultrasound on that
black night.

How we wanted you so bad. How your father wanted you so bad. I remember
when we were first married and babysitting your sweet cousin,
David would talk about hearing his own little girl call him "Daddy".
That was the first thing I thought when the doctor told us that you
were our little girl. I couldn't wait for them to hand you over to
David and see him light up. I was so filled with anticipation for that
day.

We felt the world was ours. We had prepared and prepared for you. We
anticipated what life would be. Our home was full of hopes and dreams
for you. We fought for you. How excited we were for you to join our family on this earth.

But then the black came. The black ultrasound that made our world come
to a screeching halt. What felt like falling and falling and falling,
then hitting a cold hard surface only to look up and see ourselves
surrounded by large cliffs, with now way out. Black all of a sudden
became my least favorite thing in the ENTIRE world. But then again I
didn't have a world at that moment.

Time since then has been such a blur. The transition has and won't be
an easy one. But slowly new hopes and dreams have emerged. Ones, we
never thought we would need. Ones that I never knew existed. However,
they keep us going. They keep us on a path that we must constantly
fight to stay on. A path that we desperately hang onto. For we know
that this paths will lead us straight to you again. This path will
leads us to where you are anxiously waiting for us to be. How we can't
wait until we reach that paths end.

Until then these letters will be our communication. Our way of
healing. Our way of peace. Our way of comfort. I also hope these
letters can help others. I know they are mainly selfish, but if maybe
one day these find someone who needs help with their trials in life, I
pray it will give them the hope they need to keep going. I hope they
keep me going as well.

How we miss you Sadie. How our hearts ache for you to be here with us
right now. How sad days have become at times. But how grateful to know
you are our little girl forever and always and that one day we will be
holding you again. Until that time comes, please know that we love you
our sweet little Sadie A!

Love always,
Mom and Dad