Letters for Sadie is letters to my little girl that I had to say goodbye to way to soon. The letters are my thoughts and feelings about things I have felt and experienced during this time. The blog is open to anybody that wants to send a letter or thoughts to an angel baby or loved one. Please feel free to contribute in anyway possible.
I hope these letters will be well received by you, our readers. If anyone has questions or would like to submit a letter to their angel baby, please email firstname.lastname@example.org
I recently read a talk by Dieter F. Uchtdorf about faith. I have been focusing on faith a lot lately because at times I feel like I have none. Sometimes, I don't want to have faith because if I do, that is me accepting the fact that Heavenly Father needed you with him and not down here with me. I honestly have never been so conflicted about faith in my life.
In President Uchtdorf's talk he spoke directly to me. He brought up "women of faith" and spoke about those who felt they were not in that category. I told myself, "Yep that is me". I am not one of those women who exude faith. I am not one of those women that can stand up and instantly say "I have faith". I am no where near that type of woman, and I envy those women that don't have doubts or fears of faith like I do.
But then I kept listening, and as I listened, I realized I had a misconception of faith that needed to change. I believed that if I had faith, I could forge my own plan for my life. I believed that if I had faith I could basically "tell" Heavenly Father what I wanted in life and POOF, I would receive it because I had faith. So it was a COMPLETE shock when I thought I had faith, but yet you still couldn't stay. It left me extremely angry with the "Big Guy upstairs", and with that anger, it left my faith to dwindle.
When I was pregnant with you, I would read stories about mothers giving birth to still born babies and how devastating it was to them. I would also have dreams about it as well. I would pray with such conviction, such desire that this wouldn't happen to you. I would pray with everything I had in me that you would make it safely into my arms and you would be a healthy beautiful little girl. Daily I would say this prayer. When I didn't feel you move as much as I would like, I would pray. My prayer was so heartfelt, I thought for sure it was heard and that everything would be okay. Then everything wasn't okay. One of my first thoughts was "I had faith everything was going to be okay. Why wasn't it okay? I begged and pleaded for this not to happen; why did it happen"?
After reading this talk it became clear. I am sure I knew the answer before I read this talk, but I also knew that this talk came when I was ready to listen. Uchtdorf said it clear as day: while faith is powerful and can resort in miracles, faith cannot force our will upon God. I could not force God to comply with my desire to get you to me safely on this earth. No matter how hard I pleaded, the outcome would have been the same. It wasn't in the plan for you to be here, and as much as I wanted, I wasn't going to change what was already in the plan. Do I have enough faith and trust in the Lord to be okay with that?
Uchtdorf talks about Paul and how he pleaded with the Lord to relieve him from a personal trial, then later thanked the Lord for NOT answering his prayers. No...I am not to that point yet, nor do I think I will every be to that point in my time on this earth. But I do have faith and trust in something, and that is God's love for me. I know God loves me and I know that he never wanted to hurt me. I know that he can see what I cannot and that with faith I can trust in him. I know there is happiness in store for our eternal family. While my faith may not have all the answers now - and it won't have all the answers in this life - with my faith I can trust that one day this will all make sense. One day I will know why I had to wait to hold you in my arms again. With my faith, I can make it to you again. With my faith I can trust that the Lord will one day make everything right. With the faith that I have, I can truly say that while I have my doubts, while I don't agree with many things, and while I don't know everything, I am a "Woman of Faith".
I hope you can see my faith Sadie. I hope you can see that I am trying and that while I struggle some days, I will continue to fight to see you again. Until that time comes, please know that I love you so much my Sweet Little Sadie A!